Monty Python's 'Life of Brian' Script Part 3

[Scene 21] [Scene 22] [Scene 23] [Scene 24] [Scene 25]
[Scene 26] [Scene 27] [Scene 28] [Scene 29] [Scene 30]

Scene 21

REG: Right. Now, uh, item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.

FRANCIS: Yeah. Thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months.

REG: Twelve months?

FRANCIS: Yeah, twelve months. And, let's face it. As empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up off our arses and stop just talking about it!

COMMANDOS: Hear! Hear!

LORETTA: I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.

COMMANDOS: Hear! Hear!

REG: You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches. It's not going to shift one Roman soldier!

FRANCIS: So, let's just stop gabbing on about it. It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere!


LORETTA: I agree. This is a complete waste of time. [bam]

JUDITH: They've arrested Brian!

REG: What?


JUDITH: They've dragged him off! They're going to crucify him!

REG: Right! This calls for immediate discussion!

COMMANDO #1: Yeah.

JUDITH: What?!

COMMANDO #2: Immediate.

COMMANDO #1: Right.

LORETTA: New motion?

REG: Completely new motion, eh, that, ah-- that there be, ah, immediate action--

FRANCIS: Ah, once the vote has been taken.

REG: Well, obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't act another resolution till you've voted on it...

JUDITH: Reg, for God's sake, let's go now!

REG: Yeah. Yeah.

JUDITH: Please!

REG: Right. Right.


REG: In the-- in the light of fresh information from, ahh, sibling Judith--

LORETTA: Ah, not so fast, Reg.

JUDITH: Reg, for God's sake, it's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans' nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand?! Ohhh! [slam]

REG: Hm. Hm.

FRANCIS: Oh, dear.

REG: Hello. Another little ego trip for the feminists.


FRANCIS: [whistling]

REG: Oh, sorry, Loretta. Ahh, oh, read that back, would you?

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Scene 22

NISUS WETTUS: Next. Crucifixion?


NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?


NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?

MR. CHEEKY: Ah, no. Freedom.


NISUS: What?

MR. CHEEKY: Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere.

NISUS: Oh. Oh, well, that's jolly good. Well, off you go, then.

MR. CHEEKY: Naa, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion, really.

NISUS: Oh, ho ho.

MR. CHEEKY: Heh heh heh hehh.

NISUS: I see. Uh, very good. Very good. Well, out of the door. One--

MR. CHEEKY: Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door.

NISUS: Line on--

MR. CHEEKY: One cross each. Line on the left.

NISUS: Line on the left.

MR. CHEEKY: Heh heh.

NISUS: Yes. Thank you. Crucifixion?


NISUS: Good.

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Scene 23


CROWD: [cheering]

PILATE: People of Jewusalem!

CROWD: [chuckling]

PILATE: Wome is your fwiend.

CROWD: [laughing]

PILATE: To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer fwom our pwisons.

CROWD: [laughing]

GUARD #3: [chuckling]

PILATE: Whom would you have me welease?

BOB HOSKINS: Welease Woger!

CROWD: Yes! Welease Woger! Welease Woger! [laughing]

PILATE: Vewy well. I shall welease Woger!

CROWD: [cheering]

CENTURION: Sir, uh, we don't have a 'Woger', sir.


CENTURION: Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.

PILATE: Ah. We have no 'Woger'!

CROWD: Ohhhhh!

BOB: Well, what about Wodewick, then?

CROWD: Yes! Welease Wodewick! Welease Wodewick!

PILATE: Centuwion, why do they titter so?

CENTURION: Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir.

PILATE: Are they... wagging me?

CENTURION: Oh, no, sir!

GUARD #3: [chuckling]

PILATE: Vewy well. I shall welease... Wodewick!

CROWD: [laughing]

CENTURION: Sir, we don't have a 'Roderick' either.

PILATE: No 'Woger'? No 'Wodewick'?

CENTURION: Sorry, sir.

PILATE: Who is this 'Wod'--

GUARD #1: [chuckle]

PILATE: Who is the 'Wodewick' to whom you wefer?

BOB: He's a wobber!

CROWD: [laughing]

MAN: And a wapist!

CROWD: [laughing]

WOMAN: And a pickpocket!

CROWD: Yeah! Ahh, no! No! Shh! Shh!...

PILATE: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.

CENTURION: We haven't got him, sir. Mm hm.

PILATE: Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?

CENTURION: Oh, yes, sir. We've got, uh, 'Samson', sir.

PILATE: Samson?

CENTURION: Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir. Uh, Silus the Syrian Assassin. Uh, several seditious scribes from Caesarea. Uhhh, sixty- seven seers from--

BIGGUS: Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!

CENTURION: Oh, no. Oh.

PILATE: Ah. Good idea, Biggus.

BIGGUS: Thitizens! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus...

CROWD: [laughing]

BIGGUS: ...the Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, and...

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Scene 24

NISUS: Next. Hhh, crucifixion?


NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?

BRIAN: Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.

NISUS: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?


NISUS: Uh, how many have come through?


JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Uh, y-- y-- y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- s-- s-- sp-- spe-- speak-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- s-- p-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit, sir. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--


JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Oh, he's-- he's-- [whap] He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post, sir.

NISUS: Uhh, how many have come through?!

JAILER: Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

NISUS: Oh, dear.

JAILER: Hee huh.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: I make it ninety-fff--...


JAILER'S ASSISTANT: ninety-fff-- ninety-fffff-- ninety-six, sir.

NISUS: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: N-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no, sir. N-- not-- not with these b-- bastards, sir. C-- cr-- rrrr-- c-- c-- crrr-- c-- c-- c-- crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir.

NISUS: I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's-- it's very nasty.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Well, it's not as n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no-- no-- no-- not as n-- nasty as something I just thought up, sir.



NISUS: Now, um, crucifixion.

BRIAN: Is there someone I can speak to?

NISUS: Well--

JAILER: I know where to get it, if you want it.

NISUS: What?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Uh, d-- don't-- don't worry about hi-- him, sir. He's de-- he's de-- [whap] He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- mad, sir.

NISUS: How did he get the job?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.

JAILER: Heh heh.

MR. CHEEKY: Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.

BRIAN: Could I see a lawyer or someone?

NISUS: Um, do-- do you have a lawyer?

BRIAN: No, but I'm a Roman.

MR. CHEEKY: How about a re-trial? We've got plenty o' time.

PARVUS: Shut up, you!

MR. CHEEKY: Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour. [whump] Oooh.

NISUS: I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now...

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Scene 25

CROWD: [laughing]

BIGGUS: Wath it thomething I thaid?

CROWD: [laughing]

PILATE: Silence!

WOMAN: Huh huh huh huh huh!

PILATE: This man commands a cwack legion!

CROWD: [laughing]

PILATE: He wanks as high as any in Wome!

CROWD: [laughing]

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Scene 26

NISUS: Mhmm. Crucifixion party. 'Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good, steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and, if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam,...


NISUS:'ll be there in no time.




NISUS: All right, Centurion.

PARVUS: Crucifixion party! Wait for it.


PARVUS: Crucifixion party, by the left! Forward!

BEN: You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!

ALFONSO: Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Oh. Oh.

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh.

ALFONSO: Oh, thank you.


PARVUS: Oh, hey! What d'you think you're doing?

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Ah, i-- it's not my cross.

PARVUS: Shut up and get on with it!

MR. CHEEKY: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

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Scene 27

PILATE: All wight. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no 'Weuben's, no 'Weginald's, no 'Wudolph the Wed-nosed Weindeer's,...

BIGGUS: No 'Thpenther Trathy'th!

PILATE: ...or we shall welease no one!

JUDITH: Release Brian!

BOB: Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

MAN: Yeah.

BOB: Welease Bwian!

CROWD: Welease Bwian! Welease Bwian! [laughing]

PILATE: Vewy well. That's it.

CENTURION: Sir, we, uh-- we have got a 'Brian', sir.


CENTURION: Well, you just sent him for crucifixion, sir.

PILATE: Uh. Ah, wait! Wait! We do have a 'Bwian'! Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.

CENTURION: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

PILATE: Vewy well! I shall... welease... Bwian!

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Scene 28

PARVUS: Get a move on, there!

MR. CHEEKY: Or what?

PARVUS: Or you'll be in trouble.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?

PARVUS: Shut up!

MR. CHEEKY: That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do. Ohh, thank you.

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Scene 29

CENTURION: Where have they gone?!

JAILER: We've-- we've got lumps of it 'round the back.


JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's ma-- he's m-- he's ma-- he-- he-- he's m-- m-- m-- he's m-- he's m-- [clop] He's mad, sir.

CENTURION: Have they gone?!

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Oh, ye-- nnnnn-- Ay, n-- na--

JAILER: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.


JAILER: Heh. Heh. Heh heh...

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Na-- na-- na-- na-- n--

CENTURION: Oh, come on!

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: N-- nnnyes, sir. Eh, huh. Anyway, get on with the story.

JAILER: Well, I knew she never really liked him, so I kiss--

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Scene 30


REG: Right. That's the motion to get on with it, passed with, uh, one abstention. I now propose that we go without further ado. May I have a seconder for...

FRANCIS: Let's just go.

REG: Yeah, all right.

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Scene 31

MAN: Oh, no.

BEGGAR: Oof. Bloody Romans!

CENTURION: Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.

PARVUS: Up you go, Big Nose!

MR. BIG NOSE: I'll get you for this, you bastard.

PARVUS: Oh, yeah?

MR. BIG NOSE: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.


MR. BIG NOSE: I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!

PARVUS: Shut up, you Jewish turd!

MR. BIG NOSE: Who are you calling Jewish?! I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!

GREGORY: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.

PARVUS: It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.

GREGORY: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?

MRS. GREGORY: Oh, rather.

GREGORY: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.

PHARISEE: Pharisees separate from Sadducees.

WELSH MAN: And Swedish separate from Welsh.

VICTIMS: Yeah...

PARVUS: All right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here.

VICTIMS: Ooh. Oh. Uh. Uh...

PARVUS: Right. Next!

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Ah, look. It's not my cross.

PARVUS: What?!

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Um, it's not my cross. I was, ah, holding it for someone. Um--

PARVUS: Just lie down. I haven't got all day.

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss--



PARVUS: We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get up.

GREGORY: Is he Jewish?

PARVUS: Will you be quiet?!

GREGORY: We don't want any more Samaritans around here.

PARVUS: Belt up!

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Uh, will you let me down if he comes back?

PARVUS: Yeah. Yeah, we'll let you down. Next!

BRIAN: You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.

PARVUS: I like orders.

MR. CHEEKY: See? Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued, then? Are you?

BRIAN: It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, now, now. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.


MR. CHEEKY: Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh.

BRIAN: Ahhh?

MR. CHEEKY: Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. Heh heh heh heh. Hello. Your family arrived, then?


REG: Hello, sibling Brian.

BRIAN: Thank God you've come, Reg.

REG: Ahh, yes. Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, that we are not in fact the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the Movement. Uh, 'We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.'

BRIAN: What?

REG: 'Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman Imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J., etcetera.' And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you are doing for us, Brian, at what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.

BRIAN: Reg! Well, what are you going to do?

REG: Good-bye, Brian, and thanks.

FRANCIS: Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.

LORETTA: Terrific work, Brian.

P.F.J.: [mumbling]

REG: Yeah. Right. And...

P.F.J.: [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow!
For he's a jolly good fellow!
For he's a jolly good fellow!
And so say all of us!

LORETTA: And so say all of-- [clap clap clap]

BRIAN: You bastards! You bastards!

CENTURION: Where is Brian of Nazareth?!

BRIAN: You sanctimonious bastards!

CENTURION: I have an order for his release!

BRIAN: You stupid bastards!

MR. CHEEKY: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

BRIAN: What?!

MR. CHEEKY: Yeah, I-- I-- I'm Brian of Nazareth.

CENTURION: Take him down!

BRIAN: I'm Brian of Nazareth!

VICTIM #1: Eh, I'm Brian!

MR. BIG NOSE: I'm Brian!

VICTIM #2: Look, I'm Brian!

BRIAN: I'm Brian!

VICTIMS: I'm Brian!

GREGORY: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!

VICTIMS: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...

BRIAN: I'm Brian of Nazareth!

CENTURION: All right. Take him away and release him.

MR. CHEEKY: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only-- It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!


WORKER: Huuuh! The Judean People's Front!

PARVUS: The Judean People's Front!

OTTO: Forward all!

WORKERS: Look out! The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front!...

OTTO: Ve are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide squad! Attack!

[drum roll]

J.P.F.: Uh! Ugh. Aggh...

OTTO: That showed 'em, huh? Oooh. [whump]

BRIAN: You silly sods.

JUDITH: Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!

BRIAN: Judith!

JUDITH: Terrific! Great! Reg has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you are doing. [sniff] Thank you, Brian. I'll-- I'll never forget you.

MANDY: So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, 'Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care.' I might have known it would...


MANDY: ...end up like this. Sex, sex. That's...


MANDY: ...all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to.

MR. FRISBEE III: Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble. Give a whistle.
And this'll help things turn out for the best.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Always look on the light side of life.

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.

Always look on the bright side of life.

SEVERAL: [whistling]

MR. FRISBEE: Come on!

SEVERAL: Always look on the right side of life,


MR. FRISBEE: For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.

EVERYONE: Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.

Always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath.

MR. FRISBEE: Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.

MR. FRISBEE: Come on, Brian. Cheer up.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: Worse things happen at sea, you know.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: I mean, what you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing.

EVERYONE: [whistling]

MR. FRISBEE: You're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!


MR. FRISBEE: Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say?

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on. Give us a grin. There you are. See?

EVERYONE: [whistling]

MR. FRISBEE: It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: Some of us have got to live as well, you know.

EVERYONE: [whistling]

MR. FRISBEE: Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!

MR. FRISBEE: They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him.

EVERYONE: [whistling]

MR. FRISBEE: I said to him, 'Bernie.' I said, 'They'll never make their money back.'

EVERYONE: Always look on the bright side of life!


Get the ENTIRE 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' song (3 minutes 27 seconds long) HERE (407K)

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