Monty Python and the Holy Grail Script Part 2

[Scene 9] [Scene 10] [Scene 11] [Scene 12]
[Scene 13] [Scene 14] [Scene 15] [Scene 16]

Scene 9

Pictures for Schools, take 8.


HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did--Launcelot...

[clop clop]

[An unknown knight rides in and kills the narrator]

WOMAN: Greg!

[Back to the top]

Scene 10

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off, And his penis...

ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

[encounter 3-headed knight]

ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?

MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--

ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.

ALL HEADS: What do you want?

MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--

ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.

ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!

ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.

ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?

ROBIN: I am.

LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.


RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?

LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.

RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.

MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.

LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-


LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!

MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!


RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.

MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him.

LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?

MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.

LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.

LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.


RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.

LEFT HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.


LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.

RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.

MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away


MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away

ROBIN: I didn't!

MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled


MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about

ROBIN: I didn't!

MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet

ROBIN: I never did!

MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat

ROBIN: Oh, lie!

MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin

ROBIN: I never!

[Back to the top]

Scene 11

[Cartoon monks]

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
[Thunder, lightning, rain and wind]
[angels singing and Galahad spots the Grail]
[pound pound pound]

GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[Galahad falls]

ALL: Hello!

ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!

GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT: The what?

GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?

ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper!

MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!

ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--

ZOOT: Away away varletesses The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--

ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!

GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!

ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!

GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--

ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--

ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!

ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap]

PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD: They're doctors?!

ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.

GALAHAD: B-but--

ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art.

PIGLET: Try to relax.

GALAHAD: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

PIGLET: We must examine you.

GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!

PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.

GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your bed!

GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!

PIGLET: There's no grail here.

GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.


VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.


DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

DINGO: Where are you going?

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

DINGO: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!

GALAHAD: What is it?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! ... She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.

DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!

GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.

LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD: Oh, hello.





LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!

ZOOT:No he isn't

LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!

GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.

LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!


GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!

GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes, yes!

GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!

DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.

GIRLS: Yes, yes.


DINGO: Oh, shit.


LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.

GALAHAD: I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.

GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can

LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!

GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.

GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!

LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.

NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--

CROWD: Get on with it!

NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp!

[Back to the top]

Scene 12

OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!

ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?

OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!

ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?

OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.

ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?

OLD MAN: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.

ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?

OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.

ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?

OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!

[Old man disappears]

[Back to the top]

Scene 13

[clop clop clop clop]

[eerie music]

HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!

ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: The same!

BEDEVERE: Who are they?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!

RANDOM: Nuu-wom!

ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!

HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: A what?


ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!

ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!

ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.


HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!

[Back to the top]

Scene 14

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

HERBERT: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!

HERBERT: But, Mother--

FATHER: Father, lad, Father.

HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.

HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--

FATHER: Rather what?!

HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT: But I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice...

HERBERT: Herbert.

FATHER: Herbert. .... We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

HERBERT: But I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...

FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...

FATHER: Yes, what is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--

FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--

GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--

FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: Right?

GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The Prince?

FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

FATHER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

HERBERT: But, Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.

[Back to the top]

Scene 15

LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!

CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.

LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!


CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.


LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! ...Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!

CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.

LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.


CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--

LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)

CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?


CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.

LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!

CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.

[Back to the top]

Scene 16

[Launcelot charges the castle]

LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.

[Carnage and mayhem]

GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!

LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.

HERBERT: You got my note!

LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.

HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!

LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--

HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone...

FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

HERBERT: I'm your son!

FATHER: No, not you.

LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.

HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.

LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

FATHER: Did you kill all the guards?

LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.

FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.

LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.

HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!

FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

FATHER: I can understand that.

HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!

FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!

LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...

FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!

LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?

FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!

LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--

FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?

HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!

LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.

FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....


HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!

FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.

HERBERT: I am ready!

[start to leave]

LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. [Father unties rope] [thonk]

HERBERT: Oooh! [splat]

LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.

HERBERT: Oooh! [splat]

[Back to the top]