Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl Script Part 1

























Sit on my Face

Barbershop Quartet:

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.

I love to hear you oralize
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both 69
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
'Till we're blown away

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Michael Palin: Hello, good evening and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, here in the pretty little L.A. suburb of Hollywood. Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first ever combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. And the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go off! Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with a bang! Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, all the way from a mudwrestling tour of the OPEC the red corner: Colin 'Bomber' Harris!...and, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner...all the way from a mudwrestling tour of the OPEC countries...Colin 'Bomber' Harris!

John Cleese: Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that Colin 'Bomber' Harris has met himself. A few formalities now, any moment now, we'll be ready for the start of Round One. There goes the bell! Colin moves to the middle of the ring there, he's looking for an opening, going for the handhold...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: He's got it! Into the headsqueeze...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: A headsqueeze there...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: A favorite...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: ...a favorite move of Colin's ----...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: ...flying there...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: ...and already Colin is...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: ...working on that weak left knee of his!

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: A half nelson...a half nelson and a Philadelphia Half-lotus and Colin bit himself on purpose there, and he has been given a public warning by the referee, and Colin did not like that one little bit!

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: Double overhead nostril...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: ...backkick and into the, ah, Boston crayfish, no, it's a crawlfish, or is it a longestine, no, it's a longestine! A lovely move there! He's caught himself by surprise and this is the first fall to Colin 'Bomber' Harris! Swell! A lovely move there! And Colin must be pretty pleased with himself having put himself up with that one! A strawberry whip, a vanilla whip, a chocolate whip...there it is, Colin's most famous hold: the one-leg-over-shoulder-Gerry Ford and Colin's in real trouble! He's just made it to the rope...just a little lucky there...

Colin 'Bomber' Harris: Augh!

John Cleese: ...and there it is, a double Edie Gorme, should be able to twist out of this, and he does...but he's looking pretty groggy...and I think he's caught himself there with two forearm smashes, and that is it!! Colin 'Bomber' Harris has knocked himself out and so he is the winner and he goes on next week to meet himself in the final!

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Never Be Rude to an Arab

Anti-racist singer:
Never be rude to an Arab
An Israeli or Saudi or Jew
Never be rude to an Irishman
No matter what you do

Never poke fun at a nigger
A Spic or a Wop or a Kraut
And never poke fun at a...[Boom]

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Michelangelo and the Pope

Renaissance Choir: [Gregorian Chant]

Servant: A Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness.

Pope: Who?

Servant: Michelangelo, the famous renaissance artist whose best known works include the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the celebrated statue of David.

Pope: Ah. Very well...

Servant: In 1514 he returned to Florence and de...

Pope: All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!

Servant: Oh.

Michelangelo: Good evening, your Holiness.

Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, "The Last Supper."

Michelangelo: Oh, yeah?

Pope: I'm not happy about it.

Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.

Pope: Not happy at all.

Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour, don't they? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo?

Pope: What kangaroo?

Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.

Pope: I never saw a kangaroo!

Michelangelo: Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple.

Pope: Aah.

Michelangelo: All right?

Pope: That's the problem.

Michelangelo: What is?

Pope: The disciples.

Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

Pope: No, it's just that there are twenty-eight of them.

Michelangelo: Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo into another one.

Pope: No, that's not the point.

Michelangelo: All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo. Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it.

Pope: That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples!

Michelangelo: Too many?

Pope: Well, of course it's too many!

Michelangelo: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper. You know, not just any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?

Pope: There were only twelve disciples at the last supper.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of the others ones came along afterw...

Pope: There were only twelve altogether.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know?

Pope: Look! There were just twelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper. The Bible clearly says so.

Michelangelo: No friends?

Pope: No friends.

Michelangelo: Waiters?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Cabaret?

Pope: No!

Michelangelo: You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the scene, I could lose a few, you know I could...

Pope: Look! There were only twelve disciples at...

Michelangelo: I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "The Last But One Supper"!

Pope: What?

Michelangelo: Well there must have been one, if there was a last supper there must have been a one before that, so this, is the "Penultimate Supper"! The Bible doesn't say how many people were there now, does it?

Pope: No, but...

Michelangelo: Well there you are, then!

Pope: Look! The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not! Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ!

Michelangelo: One?!

Pope: Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?

Michelangelo: It works, mate!

Pope: Works?

Michelangelo: Yeah! It looks great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

Pope: There was only one Redeemer!

Michelangelo: Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

Pope: Well one Messiah is what I want!

Michelangelo: I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody photographer! That's you want. Not a bloody creative artist to crease you up...

Pope: I'll tell you what I want! I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!

Michelangelo: Bloody fascist!

Pope: Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am! May not know much about art, but I know what I like!

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Never Be Rude to an Arab Part 2

Anti-racist singer :
Never be rude to a polack...[Boom]

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The Silly Olympiad

John Cleese: Hello, and welcome to Munich, for the 27th Silly Olympiad, an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, which this year has brought together competitors from over 4 million different countries. And here we are at the start of the first event of the afternoon: the second semifinal of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction.Aah, to see the competitors; Lane One: Kolomovski of Poland; Lane Two: Zatapatique of France; Lane Three: Gropovich of the United States, next to him: Drabble of Trinidad, next to him: Fernandez of Spain, and in the outside lane: Bormann of Brazil!

Starter: Get set!

Starter's Pistol: [Bang]

John Cleese: Well, that was fun, wasn't it? And now, over to the other end of the stadium. And here they're just waiting for the start of the 1500 meters for the deaf. And they're under starter's orders.

Starter's Pistol: [Bang]

John Cleese: Well, we'll be coming back the moment there's any action. And now over to the swimming. And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool just in time to see the start of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers. Watch for the top Australian champion Ron Barnett in the second lane.

Starter's Whistle: [Whistle]

Swimmers: [Splash]

John Cleese: Well, we'll be bringing you back here the moment they start fishing the corpses out. And now over to Hans Clay for the start of the marathon for incontinents.

Hans Clay: Well, we put in for this event 44 competitors from 29 different countries, all of them with the most superbly weak bladders. Not a tight sphincter in sight. Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race and they're just aching to go!

Starter: On your marks! Get set!

Starter's Pistol: [Bang]

Hans Clay: And they're off! They're off! Well, no.....

John Cleese: Well... Well, back at the 1500 meters and the starter's putting up a magnificent show! We've had ---- scattered random fire, fuselage firing, ----. It's enough to make you chew your own foot off! And now the high jump! Katerina Ovelenskij, Soviet Union! But what a jump! What a jump! That's got to be a record! And here we are at the 3000 meter steeplechase for people who think they're chickens! There's Samuelsson of the United States, and over there is Klaus of East Germany! He's been a Rhode Island Red now for the last three olympics. There's the referee trying to get them going, but he's ---- There's the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada ---- very good start then settled down on the water jump, and has now gone loopy. Now we are back with the marathon for incontinents once again. There's Polinski of Poland in the lead, and-and now Brewer of Australia is taking over! ---- And so now it is Alvarez of Cuba, followed by the plucky Norwegian Borg, they're in and out like yo-yos these boys. Well, well, these must be some of the weakest bladders ever to represent their country! And now, let's have a look back at what's going on down on stage!

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The Bruces

Bruce I: Good evening, ladies and Bruces!

Bruce II: Hello, Bruce.

Bruce I: Hello, Bruce.

Bruce III: Hello, Bruce.

Bruce I: Hey, Bruce.

Bruce II: What's all this lot, Bruce?

Bruce I: It's very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening! We're all philosophy professors from the University of Woolamaloo, Australia!

All Bruces: Hey, Australia, Australia, Australia! We love ya!

Bruce I: I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce here teaches Aristotolean philosophy, and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip.

Bruce II: [Cough] Bloody difficult work, I tell ya!

Bruce I: I'll tell you what is thirsty work watching this garn of human. Bruce, why don't you just stick out a few of these little free sample from your ----.

Bruce I: All right! Now, the reason we do this, ladies and Bruces, is frankly over here we find your American beer is a little like making love in a canoe!

Bruce III: Making love in a canoe?

Bruce I: It's fucking close to water! Well now, we're going to try and raise the tone a little here by singing a nice intellectual song for for those two or three of you in the audience...

Bruce II: Right!

Bruce I: ...who understand these things. So, here we go!

All Bruces :
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as shloshed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed

Bruce II: How do you like that? All right!

Bruce I: Let's hold it a second. I can see some of these Bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight. Ain't that, Bruce?

Bruce II: Yeah, Bruce.

Bruce I: Some of the ones that don't have straws up their nose. Anyway, why don't we do something rather fun? Why don't we get some of these guys to sing along with us? ----.

Bruce II: Ok, I've got the words somewhere.

Bruce I: Right! Ready!

Bruce II: Right! Ready!

All Bruces & Audience :
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable

Bruce II: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy...

Bruce I: They're a typical Hollywood audience! All the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates! Have we got any...have we got anything bigger to put the words up for these rather shortsighted people?

Bruce II: This is Bruce from the Biology Department.

Bruce I: All right. Okay, here we go.

All Bruces & Audience :
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable

Bruce II: Come on!

All Bruces & Audience :
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a buggar for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his Dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
"I drink, therefore I am !"

Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed

Get the ENTIRE Philosophy Song (127K) in .wav format

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Ministry of Silly Walks

Silly Walks Director: Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather silly over these months, so it takes so long to get to the office. Now,uhm, what was it again?

Silly Walks Applicant: Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it.

Silly Walks Director: I see. Well, may I see this silly walk of yours?

Silly Walks Applicant: Oh, yes, certainly.

[demonstrates rather unsilly walk]

Silly Walks Director: Yes, I see, tha-tha-that's it, is it?

Silly Walks Applicant: Ah, well, yes, that's it.

Silly Walks Director: Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly silly, is it?

Silly Walks Applicant: Well, ah-ah...

Silly Walks Director: I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a forward aerial O'Brian half turn every alternate step.

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly.

Silly Walks Director: Mr. Stagback, the very real problem is what I find out. You see, there's defense, education, housing, health, social security, silly walks. They're all supposed to get the same. But last year the government spent less on Silly Walks than they did on industrial organization. We're supposed to get 348 millions pounds a year to cover our entire Silly Walks program. Coffee?

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, please.

Silly Walks Director: Hello, uh, Mrs. Twolumps, uhm, could we have two cups of coffee, please.

Mrs. Twolumps: Yes, Mr. Teabag.

Silly Walks Director: Mad as a hatter. You see, the Israelis they have a man who can take his own left leg off and swallow it with every alternate step, whereas the Japanese, cunning electronically obsessed little...

Mrs. Twolumps' tray: [Splash]

Silly Walks Director: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps. You''re really interested in silly walks, aren't you?

Silly Walks Applicant: Rather!

Silly Walks Director: Right, well, take a look at this!

[Silly Walks Film]

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The Two Judges

Barrister I: Ooh, was that a bitch of a morning in the high court!

Barrister II: Oh, oh!

Barrister I: Oh, I could stamp my little feet at the way those counsellors carry on.

Barrister II: Oh, don't tell me, love.

Barrister I: Oh, dear, objection here, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well!

Barrister II: Oh, ah.

Barrister I: Beautiful speaking voice.

Barrister II: And what a body!

Barrister I: Oh, yeah

Barrister II: Oh, yeah. Ooh, ah.

Barrister I: Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel.

Barrister II: You what, love?

Barrister I: I banged me gavel!

Barrister II: Oh, get away!

Barrister I: I did!

Barrister II: Ooh!

Barrister I: I did my 'silence in court' bit.

Barrister II: Oh.

Barrister I: If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for thirty years.

Barrister II: Hum-hum!

Barrister I: How did your summing-up go?

Barrister II: Uh, well, I did my box voice, you know, "what the jury must understand", and they loved it!

Barrister I: Ah.

Barrister II: I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me!

Barrister I: Really?

Barrister II: Oh, yeah. Cheeky devil. I finished up with, I got really strict: "The actions of these vicious men are a violent stain upon the community and the four pounds of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!"

Barrister I: Oh, yeah?

Barrister II: And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!

Barrister I: You waggled your what?

Barrister II: I waggled me wig!

Barrister I: Really?

Barrister II: Ah, the only thing I waggled!

Barrister I: Ooh...

Barrister II: Ever so slightly, stunning effect.

Barrister I: Ooh!

Barrister II: Anyway, I gave him three years. Merely took ten minutes.

Barrister I: Ooh...well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know: "You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but it'll never stand up in court!"

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