Monty Python Sounds from Sketches

Description Size
Camel Spotting/Train Spotting     (View the script)
And how many camels have you spotted so far? Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one. Nearly one? Er, call it none. 26K
how long have you been here? Three years. So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels? Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. 29K
Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all. And have you seen them all? Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them. 19K
tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel? Er, I take its number. Camels don't have numbers. Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box. What? Ah - of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book. Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary? Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector. 55K
Camp Square-Bashing     (View the script)
Squad. Camp it ... up! (mincing in unison) Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three. I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Whoops, don't look now girls the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, 'three, ooh-ho! Right! Stop that! It's silly, and a bit suspect I think. 107K
Now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper. Attention! My goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty. Two, three, and hopping mad. (stamp feet) 58K
The Cheeseshop Sketch     (View the script)
I want to buy some cheese 4K
Ohhhhhhh.... What now? The cat's eaten it 11K
I don't care how f**king runny it is, hand it over with all speed 9K
You do have some cheese, do you? Of course sir, it's a cheese shop sir, we've got... No no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess. Fair enough sir. 17K
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? Finest in the district sir! Explain the logic underlying that conclusion please. Well, it's so clean sir! It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese. 23K
Predictable really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place 14K
Tell me? Yes sir? Have you in fact got any cheese here at all? Yes sir! Really? No, not really sir. You haven't? No sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time sir 28K
Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you <BANG><PLOP> 9K
The Chemist Sketch / Words Not To Be Used Again     (View the script)
Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then? 7K
The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, knickers, botty or wee-wees. 28K
Children's Stories     (View the script)
'Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies...' 27K
'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives' 30K
discipline?... naked? ... With a melon!? 13K
The Complete 'Children's Stories' sketch 237K
The Church Police (The Dead Bishop)     (View the script)
The Church Police!! 8K
There's a dead bishop on the landing 6K
What fish you got that isn't jugged then? Rabbit. What, rabbit fish? Yes, it's got fins. Is it dead? Well, it was coughing up blood last night 29K
Well, that was really horrible! Oh, you're always complaining 11K
Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart. Strawberry tart? Well, it's got some rat in it. How much? Three. Rather a lot really. 23K
It's a fair cop, but society's to blame. Agreed. We'll be charging them too. 11K
Coal Mine (Historical Argument)     (View the script)
Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight... 30K
Don't you talk to me like that you lying bastard! 8K
And finally, in the disgusting objects international at Wembley tonight, England beat Spain by a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron. 20K
You think you're so bloody clever!! 6K
The Cocktail Lounge
Would you like a twist of lemming sir? Yes please! (squeak squeak squeak) A bit more sir? Just a squeeze (squeak squeak squeak) 26K
Go easy on the lemming Harry! Okay sir! 8K
Confuse-A-Cat     (View the script)
your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for. 12K
Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently? 8K
well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused. 10K
Conquistador Coffee Campaign     (View the script)
Now, I've had the managing director of Conquistador to see me this morning and he's very unhappy with your campaign. Very unhappy. In fact, he's shot himself. Badly, sir? No, extremely well. 28K
'Conquistador Coffee brings a new meaning to the word vomit' 8K
the tingling fresh coffee which brings you exciting new cholera, mange, dropsy, the clap, hard pad and athlete's head. 26K
Crackpot Religions Ltd.     (View the script)
Peace? I like a peace. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge, nudge. 13K
We at the Church of the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple ha, ha, ha. 17K
Our religion is the first Church to cater for the naughty type of person. If you'd like a bit of 'love-your-neighbour' - and who doesn't now and again - then see Vera and Ciceley during the hymns. 29K
Crelm Toothpaste
Crelm Toothpaste, with the miracle ingredient Fraudulin 9K
Or Shrill Petrol, with the new additive GLC9424075, after 6 p.m. 942-4047 20K
Dennis Moore     (View the script)
Stand and deliver! 9K
Your lupins please 5K
Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a botany lesson 8K
Documentary on Boxer     (View the script)
When Ken is in a really deep sleep like this one, the only way to wake him up is to saw his head off. 14K
Well, he's having a lot of mental difficulties with his breakfasts, but this is temperament, caused by a small particle of brain in his skull 24K
Ken gets up at three o'dock... and goes back to bed again because it's far too early. 12K
The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid. 11K
He was really considerate to his mother, and not at all the kind of person you'd expect to pulverize their opponent into a bloody mass of flesh and raw bone. 25K
I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man beating the living daylights out of a little schoolgirl. 12K
Dung / Dead Indian     (View the script)
Dung, sir. What? We've got your dung. What dung? Your dung. Three hundredweight of heavy droppings. Where do you want it? 17K
With every third book you get dung. I didn't know that when I signed the form. Well, no, no. It wasn't on the form - they found it wasn't good for business. 22K
I'll tell you what, move everything into the main bedroom, then you can use the spare room as a dung room. 11K
That's all right - you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung. 10K
Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir? Yes. Ah well, this is your free dead Indian 9K
Election Night Special     (View the script)
Well there's the first result and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman? Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won. 20K
Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga. 19K
Elizabethan Pornography Smugglers     (View the script)
'Gay Boys in Bondage' What, is't - tragedy? Comedy? 'Tis a... er... 'tis a story of a man's great love for his... fellow men. 35K
No, no fair lady. The rest was too smutty. Now, my good wife. Whilst I rest, read to me a while from Shakespeare's 'Gay Boys in Bondage'. 20K
Face the Press     (View the script)
In your plan, 'A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that you would build 88,000 million, billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. 32K
And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid 14K
I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in 2 ways. Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly, high-pitched whine 18K
Farming Club/'Life of Tschaikowsky'     (View the script)
Tschaikowsky. Was he the tortured soul who poured out his immortal longings into dignified passages of stately music, or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes? 21K
Fish License     (View the script)
Hello, I would like to buy a fish license please 8K
You've got a pet halibut? Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat. You must be a looney! 19K
Look, it's people like you what cause unrest! 7K
This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in crayon. The man didn't have the right forms. What man? The man from the cat detector van. The looney detector van you mean! 27K
A license for your pet bee? Correct. Called Eric, Eric the bee? Nope. No? No, Eric the half-bee, he had an accident. 22K
Flying Lessons     (View the script)
Rotten. You're no bloody use at all. You're an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you weed! 16K
It is incredible, isn't it, that in these days when man can walk on the moon and work out the most complicated hire purchase agreements, I still get these terrible headaches. 22K
The Four Yorkshiremen     (View the script)
We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake! 13K
When we got home, our Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt! Luxury. 17K
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.' 44K
The Funniest Joke in the World     (View the script)
This man is Ernest Scribbler, manufacturer of jokes. In a few moments, he will think of the funniest joke in the world, and, as a result, he will die laughing. [laughter] [thud] 104K
Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment, entered the room and found what was apparently a suicide note. [reads note] [laughter] [thud] 48K
We had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and manufature a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greatest safety. One of them saw two words by mistake, and had to spend several weeks in the hospital. 36K