Monty Python Sounds from Sketches

Description Size
The News for Parrots/Gibbons/Wombats     (View the script)
In the debate, a spokesman accused the goverment of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in the spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he had ever been naughty with a choir boy. 26K
The Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the Dachsund were very happy. 14K
From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio. 22K
The North Minehead Bye-Election     (View the script)
And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years. Ah! Five years! Nein! No! Oh. Was NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! 22K
I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, he's a bit on edge. He hasn't slept since 1945. 12K
Shut your cake-hole, you Nazi! 5K
Mr Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist candidate. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead! Like what? Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland. 23K
Nudge Nudge     (View the script)
Oh, wicked, wicked, you're wicked, eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge nudge? Know what I mean! Nudge nudge, nudge nudge? Say no more!! 23K
Is your wife a goer,eh, know what I mean,know what I mean,nudge,nudge, say no more. 14K
Well, I mean, you're a man of the world squire. Yes. I mean, you've been around a bit, eh? You've, uhhh, you've done it. What do you mean? Well, I mean, I mean like, you've uh, you've slept, with a lady. Yes? What's it like? 47K
Say no more!!! 6K
Operating Theatre [Squatters]     (View the script)
There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong 9K
Oscar Wilde     (View the script)
There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty 11K
'Party Hints' with Veronica Smalls     (View the script)
The guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. 14K
Get some cloth and some bits of old paper, put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. 13K
If you act promptly enough, any left-wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. 13K
The Penguin on the Television     (View the script)
Hello, well it's just after 8 o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode <BOOM CRASH> 20K
Oh, intercourse the penguin!! 6K
Funny that penguin being there, isn't it? 6K
If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the telly-vision set. We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male. Ohhh, I never thought of that. Yes, it looks fairly butch. 37K
People Falling From Buildings     (View the script)
Look! Two people (another falls) three people have just fallen past that window. Must be a board meeting. Oh yeah. 18K
That was Wilkins of finance. Oh, no, that was Robertson. Wilkins. Robertson. Wilkins. Robertson. (Another falls.) That was Wilkins. 23K
It'll be Parkinson next. Bet you it won't. How much. What? How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? All right. Done. You're on. Fine. (shakes; they look at the window) Come on Parky. Don't do it Parky. Come on Parky. Jump Parky. Jump. 42K
Dear Sir, I am writing to complain about that sketch about people failing out of a high building. I have worked all my life in such a building and have never once....[arrgghhhh] [splat] 42K
The Pet Shop (Dead Parrot)     (View the script)
I wish to register a complaint. 8K
Now that's what I call a dead parrot 5K
Pining for the fjords??? 6K
No, that's not dead, it's ,uhhhh, resting 6K
This is an ex-parrot!! 9K
Bereft of life he rests in peace, if you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies!! 16K
He f*ckin' snuffed it! 7K
That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I purchased it not half an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk! 33K
The ENTIRE Sketch (5 minutes and 38 seconds long) 827K
Petshop (Pet Conversions)     (View the script)
I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat. Its not a proper cat. What do you mean? Well it wouldn't meow. Well it would howl a bit. 27K
terriers make lovely fish 4K
Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ... You'd need a very big tank. It's a great conversation piece. Yes, all right, all right ... but, uh, only if I can watch. 36K
The Poet McTeagle     (View the script)
Look, would you mind going away, I'm trying to examine this man. It's - er - it's all right - I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynaecologist... but this is my lunchhour. 22K
'Prejudice'     (View the script)
Miserable fat Belgian bastards!! 7K
Prices on the Planet Algon     (View the script)
What about those split-crotch panties? 6K
Split-crotch panties, or indeed any items of what we scientists call, 'Sexy Underwear' or 'Erotic Lingerie' may be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet. 29K
Professor, you were responsible for finding Scanty-Panties and Golden Goddess High-Lift Bras on planets which were never thought able to sustain life, and now that man has discovered a new galaxy do you think we're going to see underwear become even naughtier? Oh naughtier and naughtier. 37K
But of course, the probe itself has excited a great deal of interest for it contains uranium-based dual transmission cells entirely re-charged by solar radiation, which can take off a bra and panties in less than fifteen seconds. It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware to be specially designed to undress ladies 46K
Psychiatrist Milkman / Complaints     (View the script)
Mrs Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh. 30K
Well I should definitely say you're suffering from a severe personality disorder, sir, sublimating itself in a lactic obsession which could get worse depending on how much money you've got. 21K
I'd like to complain about people who hold things up by complaining about people complaining. It's about time something was done about it. 14K
Psychiatry - Silly Sketch     (View the script)
Oh, it drives me mad! 7K
Raymond Luxury-Yacht Interview     (View the script)
No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'. 15K
You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you. 6K
Restaurant (Abuse/Cannibalism)     (View the script)
Please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of formica. 12K
The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide. 14K
Do you know I still wet my bed? 6K
Once I married someone who was beautiful, and young, and gay, and free. Whatever happened to her? You divorced her and married me. 20K
I met my second wife at a second-wife-swapping party. Trust me to arrive late. 10K
You haven't seen my wife anywhere have you? No. Oh thank God for that. 10K
Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be a little talentless, boring and dull, but on the other hand ... (long pause) ... sorry I can't think of anything. 43K
The Restauant Sketch (Dirty Fork)     (View the script)
You bastards!!! You vicious, heartless bastards!!! 20K
No Mungo... never kill a customer. 9K
Lucky I didn't tell him about the dirty knife. 6K