Monty Python and the Holy Grail Script Part 1

[Scene 1] [Scene 2] [Scene 3] [Scene 4]
[Scene 5] [Scene 6] [Scene 7] [Scene 8]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
KING ARTHUR Graham Chapman
PATSY Terry Gilliam
SOLDIER #1 Michael Palin
SOLDIER #2 John Cleese
CUSTOMER John Cleese
DENNIS Michael Palin
WOMAN Terry Jones
GREEN KNIGHT Terry Gilliam
VILLAGER #1 Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 Michael Palin
WITCH Connie Booth
VILLAGER #3 John Cleese
VILLAGER #4 Neil Innes
NARRATOR Michael Palin
SIR GALAHAD Michael Palin
MAN Neil Innes
GOD Graham Chapman
KNIGHT John Cleese
LEFT HEAD Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD Michael Palin
ZOOT Carol Cleveland
PIGLET Avril Stewart
WINSTON Sally Kinghorn
DINGO Carol Cleveland
FATHER Michael Palin
GUARD #1 Eric Idle
GUARD #2 Graham Chapman
GUEST #1 Michael Palin
GUEST #2 Michael Palin
OLD CRONE Bee Duffell
BORS Terry Gilliam
ANIMATOR Terry Gilliam

Scene 1

[wind] [clop clop]

ARTHUR: Whoa there!

[clop clop]

GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!

GUARD #1: Pull the other one!

ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?


GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!


GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?

ARTHUR: We found them.

GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...

GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

[clop clop]

GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?

GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

GUARD #2: Well, why not?

[Back to the top]

Scene 2

MORTICIAN:Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!

[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!

CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.

DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!


CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.

DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!

MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!

CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.


MORTICIAN: He isn't.

CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!

CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.

MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.

DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!

CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.

MORTICIAN: I can't take him...

DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!

CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...


CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.

CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?

MORTICIAN: Thursday.

DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.

CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?

DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop]

CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.

MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

CUSTOMER: Right. [clop clop]

MORTICIAN: Who's that then?

CUSTOMER: I don't know.

MORTICIAN: Must be a king.


MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.

[Back to the top]

Scene 3

[clop clop]

ARTHUR: Old woman!


ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.


DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!

ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.

DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.

ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'

DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--

DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...

DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! ....If there's ever going to be any progress--

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?

ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

ARTHUR: The Britons.

WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. ..... A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--

ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN: No one lives there.

ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.


DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.


DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.

ARTHUR: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

ARTHUR: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you hear that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?

[Back to the top]

Scene 4

[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats another knight in a bloody battle as Arthur watches]

ARTHUR:You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot.
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.


BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

ARTHUR: So be it!


[parry thrust]

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off after a short battle]

ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

ARTHUR: You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!


[parry thrust]

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]

ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-

[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.


BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!

ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?

ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.



BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.

[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]

ARTHUR: Look, stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!

ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop]

BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!

ARTHUR: You'll what?

BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!

ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!

ARTHUR: You're a loony.

BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.


[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!

[Back to the top]

Scene 5

[Monks chanting and hitting themselves over the head, leading to........]

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!

VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?

CROWD: Burn her! Burn!

BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?

VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.

BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.

BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.

WITCH: They dressed me up like this.

CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.

WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.


VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!

CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?

CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.

BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?

VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.


VILLAGER #3: I got better.

VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!

CROWD: Burn! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

CROWD: Are there? What are they?

VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt?

BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?

VILLAGER #2: Burn!

CROWD: Burn, burn them up!

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?

VILLAGER #1: More witches!

VILLAGER #2: Wood!

BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?


VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?


CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...

BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.

BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?

VILLAGER #1: No, no.

VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!

VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!

CROWD: The pond!

BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?

VILLAGER #1: Bread!

VILLAGER #2: Apples!

VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!

VILLAGER #1: Cider!

VILLAGER #2: Uhhh, gravy!

VILLAGER #1: Cherries!


VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!

VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!

ARTHUR: A duck.

CROWD: Oooh.

BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,

VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE: And therefore--?

VILLAGER #1: A witch!

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!

BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!


BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports!



CROWD: A witch! A witch!

WITCH: It's a fair cop.

CROWD: Burn her! Burn her!


BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE: My liege!

ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?

BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.

ARTHUR: What is your name?

BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.

ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.

[Narrative Interlude]

NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor,who had nearly stood up to the viscious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.

[Back to the top]

Scene 6

BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.

LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!

ARTHUR: Camelot!

GALAHAD: Camelot!


PATSY: It's only a model.

ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to Camelot.

      [cut to knights singing]
     We're knights of the round table
     We dance when e'er we're able
     We do routines and chorus scenes
     With footwork impecc-Able.
     We dine well here in Camelot
     We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
     We're knights of the Round Table
     Our shows are for-mid-able
     But many times, we're given rhymes
     That are quite unsing-able
     We're opera mad in Camelot
     We sing from the diaphragm a lot
     Oh we're tough and able
     Quite indefatigable
     Between our quests we sequin vests
     And impersonate Clark Gable
     It's a busy life in Camelot
     I have to push the pram a lot.

ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is a silly place. Right.

[Back to the top]

Scene 7

GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

ARTHUR: Sorry!!

GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing now!?

ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.

GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off!

ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.

GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!

GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur the Quest for the Holy Grail.

ARTHUR: A blessing!

LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!

GALAHAD: God be praised!

[Back to the top]

Scene 8

[clop clop]

ARTHUR: Halt! Hello! Hello!

GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?

ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this?

GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!

ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see?


GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)

ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?

GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!

ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?

GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!

GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?

GUARD: Mind your own business!

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. Thppppt!

GALAHAD: What a strange person.

ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!

GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I fart in your general direction! . Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

GUARD: Fetche lavache!

GUARD: Quoi?

GUARD: Fetche lavache!


ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!

ALL: Charge!

[Knights charge]

GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!


ALL: Run away!

GUARD: Thpppt!

[after running away...]

LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

ARTHUR: No no, no no!

BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]

MUTTERING GUARDS: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[rumble rumble squeak]

ARTHUR: What happens now?

BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR: Who leaps out?

BEDEVERE: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....

ARTHUR: Oh....

BEDEVERE: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger...


ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!


GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.

[Back to the top]