Monty Python's 'Life of Brian' Sounds
Scene 1 - Scene 14

Description Size
Scene 1
We are three wise men. Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me. 18K
Is this some kind of joke? 6K
You're all drunk!! It's disgusting 6K
We were led by a star. Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out! 9K
We must see him. We have brought presents. Out! Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh. Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. 18K
Sorry the place is a bit of a mess 7K
A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him. What? That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough. No it isn't!! Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...No, no, no. It is an ointment. Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? 39K
So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? Hmmm? What star sign is he? Uh, Capricorn. Uh, Capricorn, ehh? What are they like? Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews. And that's Capricorn, is it? 35K
Scene 2
Blessed are the cheesemakers 6K
I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers'. What's so special about the cheesemakers? Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. 28K
Big nose!!!! 3K
Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!! 7K
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.' 9K
Oh, shut up Big Nose! 6K
Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time. 20K
On, right, that's your last warning!! 6K
come on. Let's go to the stoning. All right. 6K
Scene 4
Are there any women here today? 6K
Who threw that stone, come on? She did! She did!! He did, he did he did 18K
No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle!!! 14K
Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'. 15K
Scene 5
Spare a Talent for an old ex-leper? Buzz off!! 6K
Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off! 8K
Who cured you? Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder!! 31K
Bloody dogooder!! 3K
There's no pleasing some people. That's just what Jesus said sir!! 10K
Scene 6
You were raped???? well, at first, yes.... 10K
Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aquaduct. 38K
I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it! [slam] 21K
Sex sex sex, that's all they think about 8K
Scene 7
Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely 8K
Why are you always on about women Stan? I want to be one. What? I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta! 27K
I want to be a woman 3K
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! 16K
Where is the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box? 10K
Are you the Judean People's Front? Fuck off! What? Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! 23K
Piss off!! 3K
Listen, If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd hate to really hate the Romans. I do!! Oh yeah, how much? A lot!! Right, you're in. 33K
Splitter!!! 5K
I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest 8K
Scene 8
The COMPLETE Latin lesson 150K
If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off 7K
Scene 9
The aquaduct? 2K
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? Brought peace? Oh, peace? Shut up!!! 38K
There is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. Uhh. Well, one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one, but otherwise, we're solid. 23K
Scene 10
If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. 10K
Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. 27K
Well tough titty for you fishface 6K
Surely we should be united against the common enemy! The Judean People's Front? No, no! The Romans! Oh, yeah. Yeah. 21K
Scene 11
You lucky, lucky bastard 8K
I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat on in the face 12K
Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. 20K
They must think the sun shines out your ass sonny 11K
I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday 10K
What will they do to me? Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. Crucifixion?! Yeah, first offense. 16K
If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess. Guards! Nail him up, I say! 16K
Bloody favoritism!!!! 5K
Scene 12
Thwow him to the floor!! 7K
The little wascal has spiwit. 5K
Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do. 7K
Stwike him centuwian, vewy woughly. Oh, and uh, throw him to the floor sir? What? Thwow him to the floor again sir? Oh yes, thwow him to the floor please 27K
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman. A Woman? No, no. Roman. [slap] Aah! 15K
Your father was a woman? 6K
Bigus Dickus 4K
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that. 16K
Wait til Bigus Dickus hears of this!! 5K
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. 12K
Anybody else feel like a little.....giggle? 11K
Incontinentia Buttocks 4K
Scene 14
There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, 24K
Are you trying to insult me? 5K
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. Sixteen. Done. 11K

On to PAGE 2 ---- Scene 15 - Scene 31