Monty Python Sounds from Sketches

Description Size
Gavin Millarrrrrrrrrr     (View the script)
The clarity is devestating, but where is the ambiguity? Over there, in a box 11K
But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No, there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight 12K
What indeed is the point? 4K
Gestures to Indicate Pauses in Televised Talk     (View the script)
We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating 13K
Gumby Brain Specialist     (View the script)
<CRASH> My brain hurts!!! 11K
My brain hurts too. 5K
Hell's Grannies     (View the script)
I've heard of unisex, but I've never had it 7K
Hospital Run by RSM     (View the script)
I've got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I do most of the heavy work 23K
Do all the patients work? No, no, the ones that are really ill do sport. 13K
We've every facility here for dealing with people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can drain private accounts and in the worst cases we can perform a total cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the patient. 32K
How Not To Be Seen     (View the script)
How not to be seen 5K
In this picture there are 47 people. None of them can be seen 15K
Mrs Smegma, will you stand up please? 8K
Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of 'Not Being Seen', not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. [boom] 31K
The Hungarian Phrasebook     (View the script)
My hovercraft is full of eels 7K
Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy? 13K
Ah. You have beautiful thighs. 7K
I will not buy this record, it is scratched 10K
I will not buy this Tobacconist's, it is scratched 14K
My nipples explode with delight 6K
Please fondle my buttocks(The Hungarian) 11K
Please fondle my bum (The Prosecutor) 8K
Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait 'til lunchtime 9K
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? 16K
I am no longer infected 6K
May I please ask for an adjournment M'lord? An adjournment, certainly not! <Huge Fart> Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment? I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase M'lord 43K
The Idiot in Society     (View the script)
Arthur takes idiotting seriously. He is up at six o'clock every morning working on special training equipment designed to keep him silly. 19K
Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here. What kind of money is there in idioting? Well nowadays a really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten thousand pounds a year - if he's the head of some big industrial combine. 31K
I'm a completely self-taught idiot. 6K
How about his relationship with women? Well I may be an idiot but I'm no fool. 12K
Interesting People     (View the script)
She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water. By herself? No, I fling her. 16K
I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat!! 13K
Interview With Sir Edward Ross     (View the script)
Eddie Baby, when you first started in the... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'. What? I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'. Get on with the interview 22K
I didn't really call you 'Eddie Baby', did I, sweetie? 7K
Can I call you 'sugar plum'? No. 'Pussycat'? No! 'Angel drawers'? No you may not! 17K
It All Happened on the 11:20 From Hainault     (View the script)
Don't be a fool! Don't do it! 5K
Damn!! Alright, I confess, I did it! 8K
Johann Gambolputty     (View the script)
The ENTIRE name of Johnann Gambolputty (etc) 50K
Ken Shabby     (View the script)
Oh yeah ... you know... get 'em when they're young eh... eh! 10K
I just want to make sure that you'll be able to look after my daughter... Oh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all right sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh! 25K
What job do you do? I clean out public lavatories. Is there promotion involved? Oh yeah, yeah. After five years they give me a brush 36K
And when do you expect to get married? Oh, right away sport. Right away... you know... I haven't had it for weeks! 17K
Language Laboratory     (View the script)
Now look here, your bloody pusillanimous behavior makes me vomit!!! 11K
The Lifeboat Sketch (Cannibalism)     (View the script)
How long is it? That's rather a personal question sir! 8K
Why don't you want to eat me? I'd rather eat Johnson sir. So would I sir. 10K
What's the matter with Johnson sir? Well, he's not kosher. That depends how we kill him sir. 12K
I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me! 5K
The Logician     (View the script)
I call it crap, and it gets me very irritated 12K
This is of course, pure BullShit! 7K
God, you turn me on when you're angry you ancient brute! 9K
'You don't love me any more,' she will now often postulate. 'If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for my orgasms.' 29K
'F**k supper!' I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt. 34K
The Lumberjack Sketch     (View the script)
I always wanted to be a lumberjack!!! 12K
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. 14K
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day 15K
I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars 14K
Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites! 11K
The ENTIRE song (2 minutes and 47 seconds long) 407K
The Man Who is Alternately Rude and Polite     (View the script)
Per pound, you slimy trollop, what kind of a ponce are you? 9K
'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah poofta. 8K
What is it now you great pillock? 6K
Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty stuck-up twit! 10K
The Man Who Speaks in Anagrams     (View the script)
If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off! 6K
The Man With Three Buttocks     (View the script)
And now for something completely different, a man with 3 buttocks 11K
Marilyn Monroe     (View the script)
Well, we, we, dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and uh.... Can she still act? Well, well, she, she still has this, this enormous, uh, uh, a kind of indefinable, uh, no! 37K
Was decomposition a problem? We did have to put her in the fridge between takes. 12K
Carl, you're an effeminite little poof! A mincing gay-bar loiterer! A winnet covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys! 20K
The Medical Love Song     (View the script)
Inflammation of the foreskin, reminds me of your smile 19K
You gave me scrotal pustules, with a quick flick of your wrist 17K
My heart is very tender, though my parts are awful raw, you might have been infected, but you never were a bore 34K
Michelangelo and the Pope     (View the script)
I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid! Bloody fascist! 29K
That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples! Too many? Well, of course it's too many! 16K
That's the problem. What is? The disciples. Are they too Jewish? 15K
Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo? What kangaroo? No problem, I'll paint him out. I never saw a kangaroo! Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. 27K
Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ! One?! Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it? 43K
Molluscs - Live TV Documentary     (View the script)
Disgusting! But more interesting. Oh yes 8K
The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. 39K
The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind. This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacean, this mincing mollusc, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick. 42K
It's so boring. Well ... it's not much of a subject is it? 8K
The mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of you know what. 15K
Mosquito Hunters     (View the script)
Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. 12K
The mosquito's a clever little bastard. You can track him for days and days until you really get to know him like a friend. He knows you're there, and you know he's there. It's a game of wits. You hate him, then you respect him, then you kill him. 34K
Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt. Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter to lure it away from the flowers, and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter and attacks it with air-to-air missiles. A lot of people have asked us why we don't use fly spray. Well, where's the sport in that? 52K
Mr. and Mrs. Git     (View the script)
This is a Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. 7K
Bring them round for tea tomorrow. It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage. 32K
Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion...     (View the script)
I just spent 4 hours burying the cat 10K
We're going to have our budgie put down. Really? Is it very old? No. We just don't like it. 15K
'Course, Mrs Essence flushed hers down the loo. Ooh! No! You shouldn't do that - no that's dangerous. Yes, they breed in the sewers, and eventually you get evil-smelling flocks of huge soiled budgies flying out of people's lavatories infringing their personal freedom. 45K
Told you so!! Oh, coitus!! 9K