Monty Python Sounds from Sketches

Description Size
Secret Service Dentists     (View the script)
You dirty double-crossing rat!! 7K
Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit     (View the script)
Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! 38K
Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless. 36K
Suppose he's got a bunch. Shut up. Suppose he's got a pointed stick. Shut up! 16K
The Silliest Interview We've Ever Had / The Silliest Sketch We've Ever Done     (View the script)
And I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose 8K
Do please go on. This is the least fascinating conversation I've ever had. 10K
I'll have a whisky to start with For first course, sir? Aye. And for main course, sir? I'll have a whisky for main course and I'll follow that with a whisky for pudding. Yes sir, and what would you like with it, sir? A whisky? No, a bottle of wine. 36K
This is the silliest sketch I've ever been in. Shall we stop it? Yeah, all right. 13K
The Smuggler     (View the script)
No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase no... No watches, cameras, radio sets? Oh yes ... four watches ... no, no, no. No. One... one watch...No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no. 43K
What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all? Spain? Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm. The label says 'Zurich', sir. Yes well ... it was Spain then. 26K
Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir? No... just the watches... er just my watch, er, my watch on the currency... I've kept a watch on the currency, and I've watched it and I haven't got any. 25K
The Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things     (View the script)
Gentlemen, pray silence for the President of the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things. 19K
Well, Mr Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire feel... the whole thing's a bit silly. 15K
What have we been doing wasting our lives with all this nonsense? (hear, hear) Right, okay, meeting adjourned for ever. 12K
<BURP> Ohhh, I'm terribly sorry, excuse me 8K
The Spam Sketch     (View the script)
Well, what you got? Well, there's egg and bacon, egg sausage and bacon, egg and Spam, egg bacon and Spam, egg bacon sausage and Spam, Spam bacon sausage and Spam, Spam egg Spam Spam bacon and Spam, Spam sausage Spam Spam Spam bacon Spam tomato and Spam, Spam Spam Spam egg and Spam, Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam Spam (Vikings sing) or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and Spam. 97K
I don't like Spam!!! 6K
You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam! I don't like Spam! 15K
Dear, don't cause a fuss, I'll have your Spam. I Love it! I'm having Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam Spam and Spam 23K
Have you got anything without Spam? Well, there's Spam egg sausage and Spam, that's not got much Spam in it. 17K
The Spanish Inquisition     (View the script)
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!! Our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear! 16K
Get the comfy chair!!!!! 32K
Don't play games with me!! 6K
The soft cushions!! <Dramatic Chord> 10K
We have to extricate the truth from this unbeliever on pain of torture!! 13K
Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! 25K
Nobody expects the... Oh bugger! 7K
Stock Exchange Report     (View the script)
Nipples rose dramatically during the morning but had declined by mid-afternoon, while teeth clenched and buttocks remained firm. 16K
After lunch naughty things dipped sharply forcing giblets upwards with the nicky nacky noo. 12K
String     (View the script)
Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang! 15K
Destroying household pests! Destroying household pests, how? Well, if they're bigger than a mouse you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller you can flog them to death with it 19K
Destroy 99% of known household pests with pre-sliced, rustproof, easy-to-handle, low-calorie 'SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES', free from artificial coloring, as used in hospitals! 26K
Sex sex sex, must get sex!! 4K
We need children and animals! There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the Arch-Bishop, who's blessing the string! 14K
Submarine     (View the script)
The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks! 29K
'Take Your Pick'     (View the script)
What is the main food that penguins eat? Pork luncheon meat? No. Spam? No. 16K
You have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head? Yes, yes. I'll offer you a poke in the eye. No! I want a blow on the head. 21K
What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets? Henri Bergson? No. Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers? No. A buffalo with an aqualung? No. Reginald Maudling? Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. 34K
No, no, what do penguins eat? Horses! ... Armchairs! No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Oh, penguins. Penguins. Cannelloni! No. 20K
The Tale of the Piranha Brothers     (View the script)
They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the turning point. 68K
One Sunday, when my parents were coming round for tea I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand. 28K
Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney. 11K
Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug. What did he do? He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. 39K
Dinsdale!! 4K
Tobacconists (Prostitute Advertisement)     (View the script)
I'd like a bit of pram please. Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition. Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh? 16K
Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean? 15K
The Travel Agent Sketch     (View the script)
Note the huge-breasted typist in the background 7K
What a silly bunt 4K
Have you come to arrange a holiday, or would you like a blow-job? 10K
Morning, I'm Bounder of Adventure. Hello, I'm Smoketoomuch. Well, you better cut down a little then. 14K
Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter 'B'. 'C'? Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a sboolboy. I was attacked by a bat. A cat? No, a bat! 21K
The Twit of the Year Sketch     (View the script)
The 127th Upper-Class Twit of the Year Show 10K
What a great Twit!!! 6K
thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit 7K
...and there's a big crowd here today to see these prize idiots in action. 11K
The Undertakers Sketch     (View the script)
Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers. 22K
We cook her. She'd be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of broccoli and stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips) 11K
The Visitors     (View the script)
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! 12K
The Vocational Guidance Counsellor     (View the script)
In your report here, it says that you are an extremely dull person.Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull person, unimaginative, timid, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful 50K
The Whizzo Chocolate Company (Crunchy Frog)     (View the script)
If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy,would it? 8K
Nevertheless, I advise you to in future to replace the words 'Crunchy Frog' with the legend 'Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog' if you want to avoid prosecution. 27K
LARK'S VOMIT?!?!? Correct. It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit! Ah, it does, on the bottom of the box, after 'monosodium glutamate'. 26K
I mean, what's this one, Cockroach Cluster!? 6K
And what is this one: Spring Surprise? Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in darkest, velvety-smooth chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks. 31K
Woody and Tinny Words     (View the script)
Erogenous zonnnnnnnnnnnne! 10K
Word Association Football     (View the script)
Selfish bastard, I'll kick him in the balls. 5K
Let us now praise famous mental homes for loonies like me. 8K
World War I Soldier / Stuck Record     (View the script)
The Ronettes sing medieval agrarian history please. Sorry, we're sold out, it's particularly popular, we've got First World War noises. Is that the Ronettes? No no, the French and the Germans 24K
'Yummy Yummy'     (View the script)
Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've got love in my tummy 9K
I apologize for that, but I think you'll find this a bit more interesting. 10K
And now for something completely different. 6K
Stop that, it's silly 6K
The famous sound effect of the foot squashing something 2K
This depraved and degrading spectacle is going to stop right now, do you hear me? 7K
Stop right there!!! This is absolutely disgusting and I'm not going to stand for it 12K
And now, the sound of John Denver being strangled: "You came on my pillow.....arrrrgggghh......accckkkk....(cough)" Thank you 39K
I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off 14K
Right!! Stop that, it's silly. Very silly indeed 12K
Lemon curry? 4K
Stop it! 3K
I'm going to shoot you through the head 5K
<FART> Sorry!! 5K
Bye-bye! Bye-Bye! 4K
<Buzz> Sorry, I'm afraid you lose both the three piece suite, and your youngest daughter 16K
That's the end, stop the program! Stop it!! 9K