Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

(A school hall with a stage. Mr Praline and Brooky enter. Praline sits at piano and plays something very badly; Brooky turns the pages for him. Music ends. Unseen schoolmaster announcer:)

Schoolmaster: 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers'. (slight applause)

(The curtain pans. Enter headmaster in mortar board and gown.)

Headmaster: (Graham Chapman) 'Tis time the seven Smith brothers had brides. Fetch me Smith Major.

(Enter Smith Major in short pants.)

First Smith: (Terry Jones) Sir.

Headmaster: 'Tis time you and your six brothers were married.

First Smith: Thank you, Headmaster.

Headmaster: Fetch me your six brothers, that the seven brothers may be together.

(Smith Major rings handbell. Three boys enter and stand next to him.)

Boys: Behold, the seven brothers.

Headmaster: Right, I'll see Watson, Wilkins, and Spratt in my study afterwards.

First Smith: (has to be prompted, then declaims badly) But where shall we find seven brides for seven brothers?

Second Smith: (Terry Gilliam) The Sabine School for Girls.

Third Smith: (Eric Idle) Yes, and it's the Annual Dance.

Headmaster: Fetch hither the seven brides for seven brothers.

(Enter two schoolgirls.)

Two Girls: Behold the seven brides.

Headmaster: Fetch hither the padre that the seven brides may marry the seven brothers. (nothing happens) Fetch hither the master on duty that the seven brides may marry the seven brothers.

Padre: (Michael Palin, entering) Sorry, I'm late, Headmaster - I've been wrestling with Plato.

Headmaster: What you do in your own time, Padre, is written on the wall in the vestry.

Padre: Right, do you four boys take these two girls to be your seven brides?

Boys: Yes, sir.

Padre: Right, go and do your prep.

(The curtain comes across quickly.)

Continue to the next sketch... Man Who is Alternately Rude and Nice