Job Hunter

(Cut to Mr Glans who is sitting next to a fully practical old 8mm home projector. There is a knock at the door. He switches the projector off and hides it furtively. He is sitting in an office, with a placard saying 'Exchange and Mart, Editor' on his desk. He points to it.)

Glans (John Cleese): Hello, come in. (enter Bee, a young aspirant job hunter) Ah, hello, hello, how much do you want for the briefcase?

Bee (Terry Jones): Well, I...

Glans: All right then, the briefcase and the umbrella. A fiver down, must be my final offer.

Bee: Well, I don't really want to sell them. I've come for a job.

Glans: Oh, take a seat, take a seat.

Bee: Thank you.

Glans: I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminium frame. I'll throw that in and a fiver, for the briefcase and the umbrella. No, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella and the two pens in your breast pocket and the chair's yours and a fiver and a pair of ex-German U-boat commander's binoculars.

Bee: Really, they are not for sale.

Glans: Not for sale, what does that mean?

Bee: I came about the advertisement for the job of assistant editor.

Glans: Oh yeah, right. Ah, OK, ah. How much experience in journalism?

Bee: Five years.

Glans: Right, typing speed?

Bee: Fifty.

Glans: 0 Levels?

Bee: Eight.

Glans: A Levels?

Bee: Two.

Glans: Right. Well, I'll give you the job, and the chair, and an all-wool ex-army sleeping bag for the briefcase, the umbrella, the pens in your breast pocket and your string vest.

Bee: When do I start?

Glans: Monday.

Bee: That's marvelous.

Glans: If you throw in the shoes as well. (presses intercom) Hello, er, Miss Johnson? Could we have two coffees and biscuits please?

Miss Johnson: (over intercom) One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.

Glans: Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock and a table lamp, for two coffees and biscuits.

(ANIMATION: an elderly secretary at a desk in an empty room.)

Miss Johnson: Two greatcoats and two table lamps.

(Cut back to real office.)

Glans: Two greatcoats, one table lamp and a desert boot.

(Cut back to cartoon.)

Miss Johnson: For two coffees and biscuits?

Glans: Done. (Cartoon.)

Miss Johnson: Done.

Voice Over: So Miss Johnson returned to her typing and dreamed her little dreamy dreams, unaware as she was of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. For Miss Johnson was about to fall victim of the dreaded international Chinese Communist Conspiracy. (lots of little yellow men pour into the office) Yes, these fanatical thieves under the leadership of the so-called Mao Tse-tung (who appears in the animation) had caught Miss Johnson off guard for one brief but fatal moment and destroyed her. (Miss Johnson is submerged in a tide of yellow men) Just as they are ready to do anytime free men anywhere waver in their defense of democracy.

Continue to the next sketch... Agatha Christie (Railway Timetables)