Piston Engine [A Bargin]

Mrs Non-Robinson: (on radio) Morning Mrs Robinson.

Mrs Robinson: (on radio) Mornin Mrs Non-Robinson.

Mrs Non-Robinson: Been shopping?

Mrs Robinson: No, ... I've been shopping.

(During this exchange there have been six cuts to close-ups of radios of different shapes and sizes.)

Mrs Non-Robinson: What'd you buy?

(Pull out to reveal a pepperpot. Mrs Non-Gorilla sitting beside a radio on a park bench.)

Mrs Robinson: (on radio) A piston engine.

Mrs Non-Robinson: What d'you buy that for?

Mrs Robinson: It was a bargain.

Mrs Non-Gorilla: (Eric) Bloody rubbish. (she turns the radio off)

(Quick cut to a hospital, doctor on a bed listening to a radio. It switches off.)

Doctor: (Graham) I wanted to listen to that!

(Cut back to Mrs Non-Gorilla. Another pepperpot approaches.)

Mrs Non-Gorilla: Morning Mrs Gorilla.

Mrs Gorilla: (Michael) Morning Mrs Non-Gorilla.

Mrs Non-Gorilla: Have you been shopping?

Mrs Gorilla: No ... been shopping.

Mrs Non-Gorilla: Did you buy anything?

Mrs Gorilla: A piston engine!

(She reveals a six-cylinder car engine on a white tray, on a trolley.)

Mrs Non-Gorilla: What d'you buy that for?

Mrs Gorilla: Oooh! It was a bargain.

(Start to pan away from them, their voices become fainter)

Mrs Non-Gorilla: Oooohhh!

(Pan across a civic park, of which the only occupants are about ten pepperpots, dressed identically, scattered across on benches. One pepperpot is in a wheelchair. We come in to Mrs Non-Smoker, unwrapping a parcel and calling to the birds.)

Mrs Non-Smoker: (Terry J.) Come on little birdies ... come on little birdies ... tweet tweet ... come and see what mummy's got for you ...

(She unwraps the parcel revealing a leg of lamb which she hurls at the gathered birds. A screech. She kills a pigeon. She reaches in a another bag and produces two tins of pineapple chunks and throws them.)

Mrs Non-Smoker: Come on little birdies ... tweety tweety ... oooh look at this ... tweet tweet ... ooohhh nice one ... come on little birdies ...

(She chortles with delight as she hurls a huge jar of mayonnaise which smashes messily. She then throws a large frozen turkey, a jar of onions, a bag of frozen peas, and a bottle of wine. We widen as Mrs Smoker, with an identical piston engine to the last pepperpot, comes up to Mrs Non-Smoker. Quite a large area in front of Mrs Non-Smoker is littered with packaged foods and dead birds; a bird is pecking at a tin of pate; a small pond in front of her has a swan upside down with its feet sticking in the air, a huge tin floating beside it.)

Mrs Non-Smoker: Oohh hello, Mrs Smoker.

Mrs Smoker: (Graham) Hello Mrs Non-Smoker.

Mrs Non-Smoker: What, you been shopping then?

Mrs Smoker: Nope ... I've been shopping!

Mrs Non-Smoker: What d'you buy?

Mrs Smoker: A piston engine!

Mrs Non-Smoker: What d'you buy that for?

Mrs Smoker: It was a bargain!

Mrs Non-Smoker: How much d'you want for it?

Mrs Smoker: Three quid!

Mrs Non-Smoker: Done. (she hands over the money)

Mrs Smoker: Right. Thank you.

Mrs Non-Smoker: How d'you cook it?

Mrs Smoker: You don't cook it.

Mrs Non-Smoker: You can't eat that raw!

Mrs Smoker: Ooooh ... never thought of that. Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange ...

Mrs Non-Smoker: ... and therefore is a stranger welcome it. There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Let's go together.

(They get up and go. Fade to black.)

Continue to the next sketch... A Room in Polonius' House / Dentists (Live from Epsom)