(Scene: A Customs hall.)
Officer (John Cleese): Have you read this, sir? (holds up notice)
Man (Michael Palin): No! Oh, yes, yes - yes.
Officer: Anything to declare?
Man: Yes. No! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase, no.
Officer: No watches, cameras, radio sets?
Man: Oh yes, four watches. No, no, no. No. One... one watch. No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.
Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir?
Man: Switzerland. Errr, no! No, not Switzerland... er... not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland, oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?
Man: Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm.
Officer: The label says 'Zurich', sir.
Man: Yes well, it was Spain then.
Officer: Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.
Man: Switzerland, yes mm... mm... yes.
Officer: Switzerland - where they make the watches.
Man: (laughs nervously) Oh, nice shed you've got here.
Man: No, just the watches. Err, just my watch, er, my watch on the currency. I've kept a watch on the currency, and I've watched it and I haven't got any.
Officer: That came out a bit glib didn't it? (an alarm clock goes off inside his case; the Man thumps it, unsuccessfully) Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?
Man: No, no, heavens no, no, just vests. (he thumps the case and the alarm stops)
Officer: Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off.
Man: Well it can't have been, it must be a vest, er, going off.
Officer: Going off?
(Clocks start ticking and chiming in the case. The man desperately thumps the case.)
Man: All right, I confess, I'm a smuggler. This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks. I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise. I've been a bloody fool.
Officer: I don't believe you, sir.
Man: It's true. I'm, er, guilty of smuggling.
Officer: Don't give me that sir, you couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof paper let alone a case full of watches.
Man: What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it - I've smuggled it.
Officer: Now come along please, you're wasting our time. Move along please.
Man: Look! (he opens his case to reveal it stuffed full of watches and clocks) Look - look at this.
Officer: Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.
Man: What? I wouldn't buy two thousand clocks.
Officer: People do! Now close your case move along please come on. Don't waste our time, we're out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.
Man: (shouting) I am a real smuggler. I'm a smuggler! Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler! I'm a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler! (he is removed struggling)
(A vicar is next.)
Vicar (Eric Idle): Poor fellow. I think he needs help.
Officer: Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar. Get to the search room, and strip.
Continue to the next sketch... Vox Pops on Smuggling