Toupee Department

(A hand holding a sign saying 'Toupees' beckons Chris Quinn. He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of famous bald world figures with toupees on the walls.)

Toupee Manager (Terry Jones): Don't worry, sir, you're among friends now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Chris sees it and tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr Bradford, Mr Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each has a toupee worse than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We've had a lot of experience in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a toupee at this moment...

Chris (Eric Idle): Well, you all are, aren't you?

(They rush to a mirror.)

Bradford (Michael Palin): Have you got one?

Crawley (Graham Chapman): Yes, but I didn't know...

Toupee Manager: I didn't realize that you two.., I thought it was me,

Crawley: Yes, I thought it was me,

Bradford: So did I. (to Crawley) That is good.

Chris: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager's office was.

Toupee Manager: Just a minute - someone told you we all had toupees?

Chris: No.

Crawley: Oh yeah?

Bradford: How did you know?

Chris: Well ... it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Crawley: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.

Chris: Well, it's a different colour, for a start.

Bradford: Is it?

Crawley: Course it isn't!

Chris: And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair... it sort of sticks up in the middle.

Bradford: It's better than yours.

Crawley: Yes.

Chris: I'm not wearing one. (they all jeer)

Toupee Manager: Oh, I see, you haven't got one.

Crawley: Why did you come in here then?

Chris: They told me to find the manager's office here.

(They all jeer again.)

Bradford: Oh no, not again.

Crawley: That's a bit lame, isn't it...

Chris: It's the truth!

All: Manager's office. (they laugh mockingly)

Bradford: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac Fisheries?

Toupee Manager: Dreadful, isn't it?

Crawley: Nylon?

Chris: It's not, it's real look. (he pulls it)

All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that.

(They all do the same. Bradford incautiously pulls his loose.)

Crawley: Come on, get if off.

Chris: Get away.

Toupee Manager: Look, do you want a proper one?

Chris: No, I don't need one.

Bradford: There's no need to be ashamed.

Crawley: We've all owned up.

Chris: I'm not wearing one.

(They all look at each other for a moment, registering 'a hard case'.)

Toupee Manager: Don't you see... this is something you've got to come to terms with.

Chris: I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant!

(They look at each other.)

Crawley: Pathetic, isn't it.

Bradford: Complain about an ant?

Toupee Manager: This is for your own good.

(He grabs Chris's hair. A fight ensues in which all the assistants get their toupees dislodged. Chris is backed up against a door marked: 'Strictly no admittance'. He suddenly ducks out through this door... and lands in the...)

Continue to the next sketch... Different Endings