Trim-Jeans Theater

(Jolly showbiz music. A curtain goes up, revealing three actors in thin-jeans (which are heavily padded to make you sweat off weight) grouped tile advert. They all have slight Australian accents.)


Gary: Good evening. This new series of 'Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents' will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T. S. Eliot whilst losing unsightly tummy bulge. Jean.


Jean: Wow, yes and the inches stay off. Mark.

Mark: Terrific! Thrill to Thomas a Becket's Kierkegaardian moment of choice while making your physique tighter, firmer, neater.

(Cut to a cathedral interior. There are three priests, four knights and two women, all in trim-jeans. Thomas does not wear one.)

Priest: I am here. No traitor to the King.

First Knight: Absolve all those you have excommunicated.

Second Knight: Resign those powers you have arrogated.

Third Knight: Renew the obedience you have violated.

Fourth Knight: Lose inches off your hips, thighs, buttocks and abdomen.

(Cut back to Gary and the others.)

Gary: A terrific product.

All: Terrific.

Gary: And this comes complete with the most revolutionary guarantee in slenderizing history!

(Cut to a man in trim-jeans under a sign saying 'Before'.)

Voice Over: This was Kevin Francis before last season's 'Trim-Jean Play of the Month' production of 'The Seagull' by Anton Chekhov and the Sauna Belt Trim-Jean Company Limited. See Kevin has slipped into his slenderizing garment and is inflating it with the handy little pump provided. Three acts and a few special torso exercises later, Kevin, as Trigorin, the failed writer of sentimental romances, has lost over thirty-three inches. (same shot but very skinny John Hughman has replaced Terry J) Wow. What a difference. That Anton Chekhov can certainly write.

Gary: Terrific.

Mark: Terrific.

Gary: Yes, why not join us for a season of classic plays and rapid slenderizing. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud and Sir Ralph Richardson losing a total of fifteen inches in David Storey's 'Home'.

Mark: Enjoy the 'The Trim Gentlemen of Verona' and 'Long Day's Journey into Night' while inches melt away.

Jean: Enjoy Glenda Jackson with a Constant Snug Fit and Solid Support in all four areas.

Gary: Other productions will include... 'Treasure Island' ... (Long John Silver in trim-jeans) 'Swan Lake' (cut to a photo of two ballet dancers in a 'lift' position, both wearing tights and trim-jeans) 'The Life and Loves of Toulouse Lautrec', (cut to a photo of Toulouse Lautrec, his feet sticking out of the bottom of the trim-jeans) and the Trim-Jeans version of 'The Great Escape', with a cast of thousands losing well over fifteen hundred inches.

(Cut to scrubland, barbed wire a la prison camp in the background. After a few seconds a head appears out of a hole in the ground. He looks around then gets out. He is wearing trim-jeans. He looks back. Satisfied he beckons. Others start appearing. Three German guards behind the wire muttering.)


(A superimposed counter shows the numbers increasing.)

Guard: Achtung! Halt! Halt!

(A moment's panic. Shooting starts and a siren goes. Men pour out of hole rapidly. Guards pursue them with tracker dogs in trim-jeans. The counter goes berserk.)

Continue to the next sketch... The Fish-Slapping Dance