World War I Soldier / Stuck Record


Customer: (Graham Chapman) The Ronettes Sing Medieval Agrarian History please.

Assistant: (Eric Idle) Sorry we have sold out, its terrifically popular. We've got First World War noises.

Customer: Is that the Ronettes?

Assistant: No no that's the French and the Germans.

Customer: Oh well perhaps I could hear a track?

Assistant: Right-o go to booth four.

Customer: Yeah thank you.(he walks towards booth and opens door - as he opens the door he startles someone and we hear the sound of a sheep) - sorry (Walks of to another booth and then we hear the actual record.)

Officer: (Michael Palin) Home on leave in two days eh sarge?

(the sound of machine gun fire in the background)

Sergeant: (Terry Jones) Yes sir..

Officer: Lucky man.

Sergeant: Ooh soon be your turn sir.

(Sound of a someone playing a harmonica in the background)

Officer: Yes yes I suppose so (the sound of machine gun fire in the background) Is that your wife sarge?

Sergeant: Yes sir.

Officer: You're a lucky man.

Sergeant: You married sir?

Officer: Yes yes rather. Did I ever show that picture of my wife sarge?

(Sound of machine gun fire and harmonica continues)

Sergeant: Ah no sir.

Officer: Where is the damn thing? Yes here were are. Pretty nice eh?

Sergeant: Ah a bit ugly though sir.

Officer: Ugly?

Sergeant: You know I mean not attractive to men sir.

Officer: Well I suppose that's rather a matter of taste sarge.

Sergeant: Oh no no she's ugly sir.

Officer: Its not a very good picture actually, it makes her nose look too big.

Sergeant: No the nose is alright it's the eyes.

Officer: What's wrong?

Sergeant: Well, they're crooked sir.

Officer: They're not crooked

(whistling sound a falling shell)

Sergeant: Look out...

Officer: Ooooh. (followed by the sound of an explosion, sound of record skipping, explosion, sound of record skipping, explosion, sound of record skipping, explosion, sound of record skipping,. The customer opens the door of the booth)

Customer: Ah excuse me... ah the record in four is stuck.

Assistant: Pardon sir?

Customer: I was listening to First World War noises in four and the record stuck.

Assistant: Who served you?

Customer: Ah it was a girl.

Assistant: Ah yes it was Miss Seveneroller. She's off dead I am afraid.

Customer: Dead?

Assistant: Yes she came over all dead so we have given her the afternoon off. Can I help you?

Customer: Yeah I was listening to World War noises in four when the record stuck.

Assistant: Ah you want Mr Paslow one moment please (he walks off and opens a very squeaky heavy door) Rhonda?

Rhonda: (in a the voice of a dungeon jailer) Yes?

Assistant: Untie Mr Paslow.

Rhonda: But he has told us nothing.

Assistant: There is a customer.

(The sound of chains and a lock being opened and then footsteps)

Assistant: Right this is Mr Paslow he'll look after you.

Customer: Oh right thank you. Well Mr Paslow I was listening to First World War noises in four and the record stuck. (pause) Hello? Mr Paslow? I think there is something wrong with Mr Paslow.

Assistant: Let's have a look. Ah yes his head's been ripped off. I'll get you another.

Customer: No. No it's alright. Its just the record is stuck in four.

Assistant: World War noises was it?

Customer: Yeah.

Assistant: Try Five.

(Walks off opens the door of the booth - sound of the record again)

Officer: Home on leave in 2 days eh sarge?

(The sound of machine gun fire in the background)

Sergeant: Yes sir.

Officer: Lucky man.

Sergeant: Ooh soon be your turn sir

(Sound of a someone playing a harmonica in the background)

Officer: Yes yes I suppose so (the sound of machine gun fire in the background) Is that your wife sarge?

Sergeant: No sir that's my dog.

Officer: Ohh! Ohhh! Ah good looking dog isn't it?

Sergeant: She sir, she's a bitch

Officer: Is she?

Sergeant: Yes sir. Ah look out, sir! (the sound of an explosion and someone screaming) Oh blimey.

Officer: Ah sarge?

Sergeant: Yes sir?

Officer: This dog of yours, quite a little stunner isn't she.

Sergeant: Look out sir (sound of machine gun fire) you think they're bringing up the big mortar sir?

Officer: Yes. Does she eh, does she have any friends?

Sergeant: What sir?

Officer: Your dog.

Sergeant: Just the other dogs in the neighborhood sir.

Officer: She doesn't have any steady boyfriends does she?

Sergeant: Oh no sir she is a dog.

Officer: Yes of course.

(sound of far away explosion)

Sergeant: Oh blimey it's getting bad sir.

Officer: Yes, still, I mean, she would not object to someone calling on her would she sarge?

Sergeant: I am not sure what you mean sir.

Officer: Well I..I..I was thinking perhaps I could take her for a walk sometime.

Sergeant: Oh yes sir, course sir. Anytime.

Officer: Thank you sarge.

Sergeant: (yelling) Look out sir! (explosion) Now that's my wife sir.

Officer: Ah you sure sarge?

Sergeant: Yes sir, that's my wife.

Officer: And that's your dog?

Sergeant: Yes sir.

Officer: I see. Looks like I will be calling on you rather a lot when all this is over.

Sergeant: Oh thank you sir.

Officer: Not at all it's just that I am rather fond of dogs, fond of dogs, fond of dogs.

Customer: Excuse me the record's stuck, the record's stuck, the record's stuck, the record's stuck, the record's stuck, the record's stuck... (the sound of the needle being scratched across the record)